Feeling Gloomy

I am feeling gloomy. It's not an emotion I tend to take much notice of unless I am bored, but there it is, I am in fact quite busy right now, yet I feel so gloomy... Not the pleasant, gloomy feeling you get on a sunless or rainy day. It's the I am so lonely, so aimless sort of gloomy I am feeling now. Perhaps it is because I just miss my friends at school. I miss acting the unpredictable one, the one that never acts in the way other people want, the one that says the most remarkably silly things that some people seem to think is AWESOME, and say so... I feel so flattered, then. I even miss having homework and stuff like that. I even miss my TEACHERS. Gosh... sometimes I wish I had tuition. Sometimes... is this human nature? Why are we so confusing? I have been trying for a long time to robotify myself, without success. Whenever I feel I may have succeeded, something crops up and I burst out laughing or crying... What am I TALKING about?! I am gloomy and DEPRESSED! Life is MONOTONOUS this hols... MONOTONOUS! 

Life, oh, life, WHERE art thou???

Sometimes, I wonder....

WHY AM I DOING THIS?

WHY AREN'T I DOING THAT? 

WHY CAN'T I LIE DOWN AND... AND PRETEND THERE'S NOTHING GOING ON???! 

And then I feel depressed. I haven't felt this way in a long, long time. Until I sat for this month's exam. During Physics, I felt like I hated it. But, well I thought: "Oh, well. Life's like that. I need to work harder. Admittedly I hardly studied physics." 

And then, today, I sat for my Add Math paper, thinking that it would be well... not easy, but not very hard either. After all, it's just quadratic and linear equations, no functions and odd processes and all that. 

How was I to know it would be mind-twistingly difficult? And it pains me to say that some people called it 'a piece of cake' It really PAINS me! Call it pride, arrogance, whatever, but I have always disliked being inferior, especially academic-wise. Maybe you might call it 'chinese-mentality'. 

Half way through the ****** paper, I wanted to just lie down and give up. My brain was throbbing the questions were easy enough to understand. But the ANSWERS... they were eluding me! They hated me! I would not have minded if after a lot of thinking and experimenting, I completed the question. But I didn't. I did the questions HALFWAY through, and couldn't go further. 

WHY AM I DOING THIS? WHY AM I LEARNING ADD MATH???? WHY? WHAT USE WOULD IT BE TO ME? 

But I realized now. I was learning it because I couldn't give up just like that. I am going to gut this add math subject and lay it out in strips so I can understand the ****** thing even if it's just to repair my pride.

Headache Inducing Thoughts...

Now, imagine taking something apart... say a toy car... or a flower. You are pulling it apart little by little until you can't pull it apart anymore... you take the tiniest piece and put it under a powerful microscope and can see that indeed there is more to be torn apart, and you do that again and again... and you think you have it. You think that it can't be taken apart any further... then along comes this brilliant scientist, "I have created a newer and better, more powerful microscope!" He passes it to you and once more you put the tiny piece which you thought was the smallest bit of matter under the microscope and realize that there is much more to tear apart. You keep tearing and you keep tearing but each time you think:" Ah, this must be what the object is made of, the thing all matter is made of, the building block of the world... but... what is it made of?" But each time, endlessly there is something tinier and something more to discover... what is this thing that we, the universe is made of? What is it called? What is it?



Now, begin from yourself. You are standing in a room. The room is in a house. The house is in a neighborhood. The neighborhood is in a town. The town is in a state. The state is in a country. The country is in a continent. The continent is in the Earth. The Earth is in the Solar System. The Solar System is in the Milky Way. The Milky Way is in the universe... What is the universe in???!!

The mystery of the smallest and biggest, is something that might never be solved. In fact it might be better it is not solved, for who knows what horrors such knowledge holds? As the saying goes, 'ignorance is bliss'. But mankind are very odd. Many times they do not run away from horrors, rather they embrace it, even seek for it. Have you ever tried watching a horror movie, and been so scared, yet you were unable to stop watching because you were just so curious? Humans are such creatures that when you try to hide something, even when something is better hidden and secret forever, they insist on discovering. What is it that fuels our odd and terrible desires?

Doing Stupid Things------ :'(

I tell you one thing, listen up all who are younger than 15 ( I am almost 16, so I have a right to lord over those younger and nag them little things)... I am going to teach you something that will likely save your lives and keep you sane.

Keep you Emotions in check. 

ALWAYS

 Don't let them go to your head, don't give in to them. 

They are something that makes us act like fools and destroy lives in the split seconds it is out of control. 

Be like a robot as much as possible. 

The only type of emotion you should have is the appropriate for the appropriate situation, in the appropriate amounts. 

BUT

find ways to express them differently, to push them out... bottled up emotions cause far more trouble and inconvenience than spontaneously thrown out emotions. 

You have been warned.

TRUE EMOTIONS

are to be shown within four walls, alone, or with someone close.  Keep your emotions in check. If they go out of control, you are likely to live to regret it. Apologizing is difficult, humbling one's heart can hurt. But it is the right thing to do. If you don't want to face these difficulties,

 keep them emotions on a tight rein. Do not let them move themselves. 

Control them like a character in a game. Make sure you control them, use them in the correct way to overcome other things.

I never gave a thought to the days

When I walked my own way. 

But when they were all taken away,

I realized that I no longer had a say.

Human maturity is a prison,

A period without reason

...

I stood before the great lake, and looked into it's clear depths. The waters was so deep that I couldn't see the bottom. I looked up, and saw the stretch of infinite blue sky. I couldn't help but wander what was hidden behind and above those billowing snow white clouds. The universe is such great expanse, when I try to imagine the size of the infinite universe, my mind tries to shut down, to stop trying to analyze the impossible. The horrors of the universe actually being finite is also incomprehensible. I cannot fathom the limits of life. What then is outside the limits if the universe is indeed finite? What lies at the outer layer of this dark expanse that holds us? Another universe? Heaven? What then is outside if there is a limit to this sequence? Will it go on forever?

From the mysteries of the world comes questions. From these questions come answers. And from answers come more questions. And there is the ultimate question: Are these questions and answers a circle which will eventually meet in a revelation, or are they endless lines that occasionally meet?

Never Mean't, Never Wanted to Hurt Anyone

This post comes at random. Perhaps I am feeling a little of color today. I have recently been having the oddest thoughts, and dreaming the weirdest dreams, that I can never remember when I wake up. I wish I could just lie down and do nothing, think nothing, and feel nothing.Like some sort of robot, or doll. No, I am not planning on dying anytime soon. Put that idiotic thought right out of your mind. I learned long ago that life is very precious and you've gotta live it to the fullest. It's just one of those times when you feel rather depressed. Perhaps I lack Niacin (Vitamin B3). Perhaps I should take a good dose of it. But I don't think I need it. No. Anyway, I just want to retract the past year. Things have changed. A lot of things. I think I might have changed a lot myself. Perhaps it's for the worst. Am I really cold? Am I scary? Do I seem difficult to approach? Am I unsmiling? Do I seem arrogant? Am I arrogant? Or is it everyone else that's got it all wrong about me? Worst of all, have I become a little emotionless? Heh, people, please forget what you read. You probably don't understand. To be truthful, I think I have always been rather cold, if I do say so myself, to strangers, at least.

HOHO

One day happiness.

Looking Up

It's like dawn after a storm. The sky is always pretty after a long, stormy night. When the sun comes out, it's like a miracle.

Like Walking on the Edge of a Cliff

Anytime you'll fall. Today I'm feeling very emo. I want to lock myself in a airtight box and throw away the key. Sometimes things happen, and once it starts, it never stops sliding down
                                                                                                         down
                                                                                                               down
                                                                                                                     down
                                                                                                                            down

you can see that

something

is at the end of it

All.

But you can't make out 

what it is. Don't you feel

the fear? Do you want

to know? I have a feeling 

the out come is not 

good. But who knows?

In times like this, there 

has always been hope

that we grasped at the 

very climax.

                                                                                                              

Did I ever tell you that unlike others, my favorite season is Autumn? Did I ever tell you why I prefer it to Winter? 

The Musical Moron

The Title means this. I am NOT musical. It is just that when it comes to music, I am a MORON. When I look at those chords and notes that look like tadpoles and mosquito larvae, I feel sick. I feel like I did when mathematics was a headache inducing subject. That is why, I don't know piano, guitar or anything to do with music. But I LIKE music, don't get me wrong. I LIKE to LISTEN to music. I just don't like LOOKING at it, because it makes me feel ILL. There is something about those closely drawn lines and tiny dots and dashes and symbols that just BLOWS my mind. In a BAD way. I can't even sing. So that is the end about my title, moving on... (I sound like I did when I was in debate.)

When I got into drama, I didn't think that we would be doing a musical. I thought we would be ACTING, not DANCING and SINGING. Not that I can act very well, but my singing and dancing are way WORSE, like 10000000000000000000... times worse than my acting. So that's it about drama. Moving on...

Now we come to PMR. PMR, allow me to have the liberty to tell you, is only 63 days away, counting today. Have you studied? I have not. Not to my satisfaction, at any rate. I still don't know a thing, and I want to get straight As. HA! Like dreaming like that. I just wanna relief some stress, so I shall insult myself. HA! You think you're so smart you can score when you never study ah? In your dreams! When the results come back ah, you will celebrate the worst Christmas you ever celebrated in your life. Let me insult you subject by subject.

1.  Mathematics: You think you're so good at it? Get 85 happy already? A mah? Well you idiot, if you don't get 95, you are useless! Buck up! do something to improve! there was once when you considered 90 bad, and now you think 85 is alright? Shame!
2. Sejarah: There was a time when you was always getting 90. And now? 80 pun tak dapat! what are you trying to do?
3. Geografi: Geografi so simple you also can't score 90???? Where have you brains gone, dude? Average only 80???? 
4. KH: Your KH can NEVER score more then 78! always jumping from A to B. It's not good to be in such a precarious position! KH boring is it? Well if you wanna get straight As you better start to LOVE it!
5. Science: Science you used to be able to not study and get 90! now, you study and get 85 only? What are you playing at? When teacher teaching you are asleep! Important to keep awake, tahu? When since did you become so stupid? 
6. Malay: Malay get C! WALAU! If got a C for Malay, you tengok government give you scholarship or no? You better learn up the grammar and vocab FAST!
7. Chinese: When I think of it, I want to vomit. Even writing essay also got problem! When writing essay usually should write very fast and smooth, but now? Now all what you do is write than pause, wrtie than pause. What ARE YOU PLAYING AT????
8. English: You are the only thing that I have no complains about. If I don't get A for you, I won't get A for anything... 

I FEEL SO DEPRESSED AND STRESSED AND EMO!!!!

The Whirlwind that is MINE...

Hey~~~ I'm feelin' high. Like my title? I like it too. I haven't read an English book for sometime... I must have read like, only three English books  this year? Let me list them: I read two books from Warriors: The Power of Three, and a romantic, slice-of-life novel What She Wants. Hold on, hold on, I'm still Jasmine here. Aliens haven't abducted me yet. Recently I've read quite a few romances, all of them chinese, 'cause they are quite simple and use very elaborate phrases to describe their... 'romantic scenery' in which the protagonist and her lover meet and fall in love blahblah... To be sure the stories are all nonsense, but I kind of enjoy them 'cause they are funny and light hearted, and I can forget about PMR... It's ironic because I am reading them FOR PMR. What am I crapping? I didn't want to write about that,  but I've forgotten what I was planning to write.

Anyways, I have been down with the flu for... three, four days? And yesterday was the worst I had a headache from the moment I woke up to the moment I put my head on the pillow, around six or seven. No, I didn't eat dinner. LOL, in school I kept complaining about my head throbbing to Shepard and Zhi Xin and they were all trying their best NOT to give me what I wanted, sympathy. And then I thought I had fever 'cause I felt so hot, but my palms were sweating like mad and my face was full of sweat too but I felt so dry. But then Shepard told me that I wasn't hot but COLD! Hehe, but how can that be possible when I felt so hot and feverish? I want to try and touch someone who claims that he/she feels hot but is actually really cold! I'm not sure whether you readers are getting me, 'cause I sure feel rather confused. I have a feeling that this is going to be a really long post. If you haven't given up reading, good for you, sure get A++++ for patience.

And there is the school Carnivel! I am helping in the promotion for PPS. Actually, I was only helping because I thought I might have nothing to do, since our class was doing nothing (besides talking about selling live ayam) and Shepard's friends were coming and Yi Ling's friends were coming and Zhi Xin was helping in both PPS and scout and Ngai was helping in PPS and Jia Hui was also helping elsewhere and Anita, Tiffany and Jensine were probably helping CF, so I was like, what am I going to do, and I went to help out the PPS. How was I to know that our class was going to do anything???  And the PPS are going to show three movies in the PPM, Inception, Om Bak 2 and Predators. I REALLY want to watch Inception, so I hope they put Inception as the first movie, 'cause I can't watch if it's from 11:30- 3:00, because I am on duty, and I don't know WHY I agreed to duty for so long??? Zhen shi bai lei...

Is there anything more to write about? So much has happened this week, and I can't quite remember what I was planning to write about in the beginning. my memory is getting worse and worse by the day, because it is being used more and more and I am worried that it is reaching it's limit. I wish there was a USB slot to download info into my head so I wouldn't have to remember all those useless facts that I will clean forget once I go up to form 4.

Yes, I remember something. If my friend is reading this right now, I hope she knows that it is she I am writing this to. Finding it hard to speak face to face, i resort to the underhand method of writing, but this is a modern way, writing on a blog, hehe... anyway, I don't advice this friend to forget, because it is impossible to forget. I ask her instead to treasure the happiness and learn from the sadness, and look to the future. Life is not easy, but we can still enjoy it, if we learn not to cling to the past and learn to look forward to what the future holds. No matter how much bitterness the past may hold, the future still holds sweetness, and pray it will last to the end...

I am still the same Jasmine, man. Do not expect me to go around spouting that sort of cheesy stuff in ordinary circumstances. I just wanted to get that of my chest because I really love my friends, all of them. I did not write that, some one else hacked into my blog.

Signing of, missing Facebook and starting to regret, CLQJasmine. (But for Germany I shall remain in my pitiful state until after PMR!!!)

The following is the story of my week in pictures, because I have trouble finding words to describe how I have felt =)

 

Some of them I put 'coz I like how they look, but some really made me think, yeah, I really felt like that...

There are a lot of things I want to do that I can't do. There isn't time or there isn't money, these are two precious things that one can never have enough of. I really wish that I had it all, but what is the use of living if not to discover yourself? Life is not all about enjoying, it will taste bitter sometime. It's sweetness is laced with a deadly venom, likely to send you into a fantasy world that doesn't exist. When the bitterness comes, it hits you like a sledgehammer, maybe it will kill you.

It is so strange in this world. There are so many people, and yet one can feel lonely. What is this feeling? Is it a fear of being alone? Is it a longing for companionship? Is it actually a feeling or a description of isolation?Why do some people take joy in this thing called loneliness? In everyone's life there is a moment when one wants to be alone, in other words, be lonely. Why is it that one requires it yet hates it? The need not to be among people is sometimes so strong, it is like the air one breathes. One feels like dying, suffocating from lack of isolation. That is a fair description. Some people may not understand, but I do. I need to be alone sometimes, and sometimes people just don't understand this need. I didn't come into this world to be constantly in contact with the world. There must be another purpose to this life.

My feelings today...

Haiz.... haiz... haiz... HAIZ......... !!!!!!!!!!!!