Life, oh, life, WHERE art thou???

Sometimes, I wonder....

WHY AM I DOING THIS?

WHY AREN'T I DOING THAT? 

WHY CAN'T I LIE DOWN AND... AND PRETEND THERE'S NOTHING GOING ON???! 

And then I feel depressed. I haven't felt this way in a long, long time. Until I sat for this month's exam. During Physics, I felt like I hated it. But, well I thought: "Oh, well. Life's like that. I need to work harder. Admittedly I hardly studied physics." 

And then, today, I sat for my Add Math paper, thinking that it would be well... not easy, but not very hard either. After all, it's just quadratic and linear equations, no functions and odd processes and all that. 

How was I to know it would be mind-twistingly difficult? And it pains me to say that some people called it 'a piece of cake' It really PAINS me! Call it pride, arrogance, whatever, but I have always disliked being inferior, especially academic-wise. Maybe you might call it 'chinese-mentality'. 

Half way through the ****** paper, I wanted to just lie down and give up. My brain was throbbing the questions were easy enough to understand. But the ANSWERS... they were eluding me! They hated me! I would not have minded if after a lot of thinking and experimenting, I completed the question. But I didn't. I did the questions HALFWAY through, and couldn't go further. 

WHY AM I DOING THIS? WHY AM I LEARNING ADD MATH???? WHY? WHAT USE WOULD IT BE TO ME? 

But I realized now. I was learning it because I couldn't give up just like that. I am going to gut this add math subject and lay it out in strips so I can understand the ****** thing even if it's just to repair my pride.

Marathon

You know in church the speakers seem to love making marathons seem like life. I seem to have caught the same sort of disease from them... PMR... a three year marathon? Are you thinking I'm obsessed? Are you? Uh-uh. Don't lie. I saw the ghost of that thought fly past just now. Huh, what? Are you still denying it? Gimme a break. Anyway, I feel a sense of *gasp* relief!!!! RELIEF! Blissful relief that that dratted test is coming. Finally. I admit maybe I'm not so ready, but really, how long can you stand sitting around doing NOTHING but STUDYING??? Who? Erm... Ngai? Six hour tuition... now THAT is a marathon... Anyways... bring it on. This holiday's gonna be full of words, exercises, books, paper, erasers, crosses and frustration.

The Musical Moron

The Title means this. I am NOT musical. It is just that when it comes to music, I am a MORON. When I look at those chords and notes that look like tadpoles and mosquito larvae, I feel sick. I feel like I did when mathematics was a headache inducing subject. That is why, I don't know piano, guitar or anything to do with music. But I LIKE music, don't get me wrong. I LIKE to LISTEN to music. I just don't like LOOKING at it, because it makes me feel ILL. There is something about those closely drawn lines and tiny dots and dashes and symbols that just BLOWS my mind. In a BAD way. I can't even sing. So that is the end about my title, moving on... (I sound like I did when I was in debate.)

When I got into drama, I didn't think that we would be doing a musical. I thought we would be ACTING, not DANCING and SINGING. Not that I can act very well, but my singing and dancing are way WORSE, like 10000000000000000000... times worse than my acting. So that's it about drama. Moving on...

Now we come to PMR. PMR, allow me to have the liberty to tell you, is only 63 days away, counting today. Have you studied? I have not. Not to my satisfaction, at any rate. I still don't know a thing, and I want to get straight As. HA! Like dreaming like that. I just wanna relief some stress, so I shall insult myself. HA! You think you're so smart you can score when you never study ah? In your dreams! When the results come back ah, you will celebrate the worst Christmas you ever celebrated in your life. Let me insult you subject by subject.

1.  Mathematics: You think you're so good at it? Get 85 happy already? A mah? Well you idiot, if you don't get 95, you are useless! Buck up! do something to improve! there was once when you considered 90 bad, and now you think 85 is alright? Shame!
2. Sejarah: There was a time when you was always getting 90. And now? 80 pun tak dapat! what are you trying to do?
3. Geografi: Geografi so simple you also can't score 90???? Where have you brains gone, dude? Average only 80???? 
4. KH: Your KH can NEVER score more then 78! always jumping from A to B. It's not good to be in such a precarious position! KH boring is it? Well if you wanna get straight As you better start to LOVE it!
5. Science: Science you used to be able to not study and get 90! now, you study and get 85 only? What are you playing at? When teacher teaching you are asleep! Important to keep awake, tahu? When since did you become so stupid? 
6. Malay: Malay get C! WALAU! If got a C for Malay, you tengok government give you scholarship or no? You better learn up the grammar and vocab FAST!
7. Chinese: When I think of it, I want to vomit. Even writing essay also got problem! When writing essay usually should write very fast and smooth, but now? Now all what you do is write than pause, wrtie than pause. What ARE YOU PLAYING AT????
8. English: You are the only thing that I have no complains about. If I don't get A for you, I won't get A for anything... 

I FEEL SO DEPRESSED AND STRESSED AND EMO!!!!

Bingo

Today I skipped CF and went to Zhi Xin's house with Shepard to study Sejarah. Half way through we decided to play another game. It was like Mastermind, only it was called Bingo and was played on the computer. We spent the better part of our day there trying to figure out four numbers. I wonder what is so interesting about it, guessing what the numbers were. Tomorrow is report card day and either one of my parents is going. I really wander what reaction I am going to get for my marks. I myself admit I haven't done my best, or even very well  for the first term, and if I don't buck up, I'll never get my straight A's. I must say that at the rate I am going I am not going to be anywhere close. There is reason to rejoice this foot ball season, and I really hope Germany wins against Argentina. The odds are equal for both teams, I think. Despite Diego Maradona's less then cool tactics and drama filled pitch side acts, I really respect his team. Especially when Lionel Messi is there. But Germany have a record to be beaten. Three world cups and not a single world cup not in the last eight since 19something, I really feel that Germany has what it takes to beat Argentina. While trashing them may be like building castles in the air, winning them is definitely a possibility.

I t Isn't Over.

I hear that exams are OVER. In a sense, it is. But in a sense, it is JUST the beginning... PMR is in 4 months and I have studied next to nothing. I feel impending doom in a detached sort of way. Like, oh yeah PMR in four months. Calculate days, hours, minutes, seconds. hey, man. The numbers are huge, I got lots of time, yeah? Think about it. GEOGRAPHY SEJARAH form 1 form 2 form 3. MATHEMATICS KH SCIENCE THREE YEARS OF INFO to be stuffed into ur head in FOUR MONTHS. And LANGUAGE. DARN THOSE HORRIBLE SUBJECTS. And the sad thing is, I MUST GET STRAIGHT As!!!!!!